Just Enough

As a mom, I can get very protective of my kids. Whenever I feel like they are getting the shaft or the raw end of something, it pains me and I can get very feisty. It’s not that I don’t understand that life’s not fair; it’s just that sometimes I feel like life is a little one-sided in the unfairness department.

I’ll give you a couple examples.

One Easter many kids got loads and loads of Easter eggs in the hunt after church in their Easter baskets. Not my daughter. She barely got a basketful when other kids had a basket and a half.  

My kids don’t get huge birthday parties and get lavished with gifts by tons of relatives. I see other kids get gifts from relatives afar and have so many things.  My kids don’t get much from extended family.

My kids seem to have to work very hard to get recognized for the things they do when other kids are easily esteemed and praised.

They will wait for over an hour at a parade to get a good spot to get candy thrown out when some kids come at the last minute, stand in front of them, and get most (if not all) of what is thrown out.

It’s hard to find that balance as a mom of wanting your kids to get things but not wanting them to get materialistic. I want my kids to be celebrated, recognized; given blessings, and gifts – yet I don’t want them to be needy or rely on “stuff” to make them happy. I want them to find that internal satisfaction that hard work, pride, and doing the right thing can bring them. It’s a fine line to walk.

When I look back and see the times that I’ve pouted for my kids getting a “raw deal” I can see something that I couldn’t see at the time. The time my daughter didn’t get as many Easter eggs as the other kids? She got just enough.  The time my kids didn’t get recognized or praised easily but only got a little? They got just enough.  When they don’t get presents for birthday or Christmas by all of their relatives? They still get just enough.  And if they only get a few pieces of candy at a parade instead of pocketfuls? They get just enough.

Maybe if I started teaching and praising my children for getting just enough of what they need or desire – they could learn to be more content in life. Maybe I could learn to be more content instead of wanting them to get over, above, and beyond.

That’s called excess.

I’m so thankful that God gives my kids just enough – instead of lavishing them with too much. I’m thankful that He gives them just the right amount instead of relying on my judgement. 

Just enough is what my kids need to be happy. No more and no less. May I learn this lesson right along with them.

When Your Kids Pull Away

Our kids aren’t always going to appreciate the fact that we want to be involved in their lives. In fact, as they go through the “tween” and “teen” years – they may outright resent it at times!  That can be hard to swallow, but if we can relax a little bit, it might help as we sort through their moods and try to find out how we can best help them.

I know that when I was growing up, I had it pretty easy. Sure, I went through some friendship and boy issues, but for the most part, I didn’t have huge crisis’ envelope my life.  I do remember however, that there were times when I just wanted to be left alone. Not because I didn’t love my parents but because I needed to figure things out for myself. I needed to figure “me” out.

I think every child needs that at some point.  Remembering my own growing up years helps me as I try to navigate my daughter’s tween years.  It can get scary when you feel like they are pulling away or when they won’t share things with you. At times, you can even think they are hiding something.  But it’s important to remember that every child has their own comfort zone, and boundaries within that comfort zone that they best feel led to learn, grow, and confide in.

My stepson, my oldest daughter, and my youngest daughter are all 3 very distinct and different personalities. The way I try to reach and get through to one of them, doesn’t always work with the other two.  And when I try to pry into things more, sometimes it can only make things worse.  I’m not saying to not get involved or know what is going on with your child. For you need to. But I am saying to know HOW to get involved with your child. And that’s not always easy.

For me, I think sometimes I can tell my children that I’m there for them maybe a bit too much. I think (based on what they’ve said) that that fact is well established. So now it’s up to me to not always be ready to be a good advisor, but to be a good listener. My daughter may not always want my advice but she may well want a hug or a compassionate ear. She may not always want to hear what an adult thinks of her because right now it is so very important what her peers think of her!

It’s so hard to not take it personally when a child doesn’t want to confide in you. But as a parent, I think we need to look at the bigger picture. If they NEVER confide in us, then that’s something to take note of and seriously look at.  But if they do confide in you for most things, then give them a little space as they figure out the rest. It may just be that they don’t want to disappoint you or don’t want you to think badly of them if they are struggling or having issues. Continue to be faithful in praying for your child, encouraging them and finding different ways to let them know you are available, ready, and willing, to listen and love them through their growing up years.  And yes, have attentive ears, alert eyes and a resourceful heart and mind so that you know what is truly going on with them just in case a moral or critical issue truly IS going on!

For the most part, I think we as parents need to learn not to panic if we think we are losing our kids or they don’t want to talk to us anymore. Keep trying. Keep loving. Keep praying and keep being creative in how you communicate with them. Don’t give up – but don’t beat them over the head with it either. Gentleness and consistency often works best.

I know that as I go through these adjustments and learning phases, just like you, that I have to constantly reevaluate how I come across and how my kids perceive me.  I’m constantly in learning mode – and that’s a good thing!  It’s just important that we don’t get discouraged.  I think that if we hang in there and continue to love, share, communicate, and yes, give space at times – we’ll find that the main “go to” person for our child when it really counts…. Will indeed be us.

What Truly Matters

A friend of mine’s house burned down a few years ago. Their son (who has Downs Syndrome) accidentally started the fire.  My heart broke for them; not only for the things they lost – but also for them as they dealt with the knowledge of what their son accidentally did. 

As I was reading a news article on the story at the time, I saw that they had interviewed my friend’s husband about the fire. Do you know what he said? He said, “The house can be replaced, but my wife and kids can't. I love my son more today than I did yesterday, it's just an accident."

I started to cry. What a great example of love and what truly matters in life.  We have things that are important to us. We hold our photographs and videos close to our heart, we have gifts that our spouses or children have given us, and we have items that may have been handed down from past generations, or that remind us of a certain place or time. All of these things hold special meaning to us; yet when it comes down to it – it is our families’ and the people in our hearts and lives that truly matter.

I know that I used to get so intense when something special of mine was broken or ruined. In the last couple of years, I have lightened up a little bit – especially when I know that it was purely accidental. I am learning that “things” as important and special as they are to me, just don’t mean as much as the people I love and care about.  How I handle a situation and whom I invest in as a person, means more to me.  If I break my child’s heart over something they ruined, all I really have are two broken things.  I’m not saying that we shouldn’t teach our children to be responsible, or even try to make restitution for something that they have broken or wrecked. I am saying that who we are and how we love each other is everything.

I want to love like my friend’s husband. I want to love that fully, that completely that nothing else can touch it. I want to be able to carry in me the ability to forgive greatly.

We often say that our families matter the most to us, but our temperaments and actions don’t often follow suit and carry out that attitude. When put to the test, would you be able to forgive so easily and love so freely at great cost to yourself?  Our Lord did.

I want to learn that kind of love.

Givers and Takers - Which One Are You?

Are you a giver or a taker? Generally speaking, I think most people fit into one of those categories. You have the “givers” who are always ready to serve, minister, give of their time, open their home, and help out. You have the “takers” who whether by circumstance or habit are always the recipients of blessings, gifts, help, or ministry from someone else.

The problem is that if you are a “giver” you never seem to be able to be on the “take” side because all the “takers” are too busy benefiting from your “giving!” It’s a cycle that can be unhealthy.

If you have a giving heart, God gave you that. And He can really bless you and use you. But, you also need to step back sometimes and let someone else step up to the plate so that they can receive the benefit of giving as well. And maybe you will get the opportunity to be a “taker” and learn how it feels to be a recipient and the blessing that comes with allowing someone else to love you like that.

If you are a “taker,” maybe it’s been unavoidable. Maybe you’ve been the victim of circumstances and being a “taker” is the only way you’ve been able to get by. But you have to be careful because sometimes being a “taker” becomes habit. You get used to it. Of course it’s nice to have others “do” for you – but it’s an even nicer reward to do for yourself. Trust me. It feels so freeing.  And there ARE things anyone can do to learn the blessings of being a “giver.” There are simple things you can do to help a friend or family member out, inexpensive ways you can share your home, apartment, condo, or trailer with someone for an evening, or even just sending a note giving someone else your love and encouragement. Everyone needs that!

I think that both sides of the coin can be dangerous if they are unbalanced. A “giver” can become too self-righteous and their pride can swell simply by KNOWING that everyone knows they are a giver. It can almost become a pride-filled label if we aren’t careful. But if you can be a “taker” at times, I think the mercy, grace, and humility that comes with that will help balance out the “giver” in you. 

As for our “takers” – you too sit on obviously dangerous ground. But more than that, you need to be careful of losing out on a rich blessing, depth, and meaning that comes with being able to “give” to others.  You are in danger of never standing on your own two feet and never knowing what it feels like to be appreciated, valued, and cherished because of the love you have bestowed on others. That can become a lonely place to sit.

Sometimes there are seasons in our lives that necessitate our being givers or takers for extended periods of time. And that’s okay as long as we realize and are aware that we only want it to be for a season. If we can have a goal or focus on a point in time where we want to switch that label, it will help us work towards moving out of our current situation. (Obviously illnesses, tragedies, and other such situations are exempt from this).

Take a good look at what your label might be. What you would call yourself and what others would see you as.  Maybe it’s time to take that label off and change it for awhile – receiving the blessing of the new label in the process.

Iron Sharpens Iron

Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

We can’t diminish or laugh away the importance of who we hang around. Our friendships and who we rub shoulders with is very critical in our life. It affects who we are, how we act and think, and what we hold dear to our hearts. If we happen to be very grounded in our morals and values, hopefully, we can become the influencers instead of the ones being influenced – but if we aren’t – the wrong kind of friendships can adversely affect our walk with the Lord.

If you hang around someone who is very casual about what they believe, without even realizing it, you can end up becoming casual about it as well. I’ve seen it happen time and time again where someone whom I thought seemed very strong in their faith suddenly started making a concession here and a concession there.  Soon I hardly recognized who they were. We can’t blame others totally on the choices we choose to make – after all, we do have free will! But we can certainly point a finger at the influencer.

We need to be careful that we do not lead others down the wrong path. God tells us not to do something that would cause our brother to stumble. We need to be so mindful that others are watching us and sometimes following our lead. Likewise, we are like sheep who follow someone else’s lead. We seem to think that if it’s okay for “them” to do it – then it’s okay for us and that’s the wrong kind of thinking. Even very reputable, wise people make mistakes and can lead us down the wrong road if we aren’t careful!

I have the opportunity every once in awhile to quote the above verse to my children.  When I see something in the media or they are watching a movie where a young girl changes her look and actions to be a part of the “in-crowd.” I tell them that is why it is so important that we choose our friends wisely. So often good kids are caught up in a bad crowd and they will pay the price – whether it’s something simple like getting detention for simply being involved in a bad group or something worse like jail time.  Iron sharpens iron and I don’t want my kids to have to learn the hard way that we are each responsible for our own individual choices. That includes standing with the wrong crowd even if you aren’t personally doing anything wrong.

As adults, we need to be extra careful. We have children watching us and non-believers watching us. Heck – we even have other believers watching us and being influenced by us. Iron sharpens iron. 

We need to pick our friends wisely. Choose people who encourage us to be better, stronger, wiser. Don’t choose people who are simply out to have “fun” and abandon what they say they believe in in the flash of a moment. Don’t choose people who are casual with other people’s feelings. Don’t choose people who are critical of who you are and constantly putting you down. Don’t choose people who simply “pander” to you and don’t tell you the truth in love but instead enable your destructive choices and behavior. Don’t choose people who may talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.

I want to be sharpened. I want to sharpen others in a good way. A refining way. Let us give more time and effort to strengthening one another instead of destroying and crippling each other by selfish and prideful choices. 

Greatness Is About Others

Wealth - beauty - power - fame.... those are all things valued in our society. They are so valued that people think they aren't valuable if they are not beautiful, powerful, or successful. So we have a society of people who are living for themselves. I mean, you can't be living for others if you are striving for success, beauty, wealth, and fame - right? It's all about "you." And it's an empty life. Things, people, and circumstances will satisfy... temporarily. But they won't last.

I hear from a lot of moms. Most moms say they fight against this mentality in life. They don't fall into the trap of trying to keep up appearances, they try to simplify their lifestyles, they don't care if they are well-known or not, etc. Maybe so. Maybe there is a new generation of people who are seeing the pointlessness in all the entrapments of life. But I'm just wondering if we take a closer look - what are we teaching our kids about being valued?

Most of us are trying to raise our children to be good people. We try to praise and encourage them. But what do we praise and encourage them for? I know that for my children, they are inundated with rewards (mostly candy) for performance. They are rewarded for raising the most money for a fundraiser, turning homework in on time, simply showing up at a practice or rehearsal, or any number of things that involve how well they do or how much they do. It has bugged me for many years.

As parents, we are just as guilty as schools or clubs are, of teaching our children that being "great" means to be successful. I mean, how much praise do we give our child for being nominated team captain? Do we talk often about them getting a "well-paying" job someday? How about going to a top-notch college, or to be the first one to finish in a competition? What are we saying when we do that? Are we teaching our kids that working for something is the reward? Do we let them know that the reward is in the journey... or that the reward is in the prize?

I've learned that to really feel "great" - you have to have a life that is about others not as much as it is about yourself. And if I want to have children who grow up to feel valued and "great" - I need to teach them that the best image they can have - is one that is selfless not selfish. That is the greatest recognition you could get. It's hard for all of us... but if they can be just as happy being on the team instead of only having to be the captain ---- if they can feel satisfied finishing the race and not only content if they finish it first or second --- then maybe they will also learn to help others along the way because they are less focused on themselves. Maybe they will develop compassion for that person who comes in last because they know how it feels.

I want my children to take care of themselves, to care for their appearance, to have integrity, and develop a good reputation. But I want them to do it because of the internal reward they get in knowing themselves inside and out, who they are and what they want out of life; not because they get a payoff in attention, rewards, or recognition from others in a temporary and false sense of "greatness." I want them to do their best not because they want to "be the best" but because I want them to be THEIR best.

We can say that we hate the world's standards. We can say that we balk the mentality that society values. But when we look into our own homes - I think we will find differently.

Who Says?

Moms are their own worst enemy, I think. We are graced with such a valuable role, we have such privilege to be so influential on those around us – and yet we are constantly trying to achieve a higher standard. Not that having a high standard is a bad thing, but it’s self-defeating if that high standard continues to go higher because reaching it is never good enough.

I think our problem stems from the fact that we compare ourselves. We think we have to have things a certain way, live a certain way, do things in a certain way. We fail to take into account our own personality, lifestyle, gifts, or circumstances.

For example –

Who says that you have to cook your family dinner every night? Maybe a couple nights a week would be good enough to work with your families’ activity schedule.

Who says that you have to do your devotions first thing in the morning? Maybe you are not a morning person and during naptime, or after the kids go to sleep at night would work much better for you.

Who says that your house has to look like it came out of a magazine? With kids who live there and hopefully feel comfortable enough as they grow up to want to stay home and invite their friends there as well…. Wouldn’t simply being “mostly picked up” suffice?

Who says that you have to volunteer for every activity your children are involved in? If you get overloaded and stressed from doing too much, can’t you simply go attend and support your children by your presence instead of being in charge of something that affects your state of being and happiness in your home?

Who says that you have to buy every item your child brings home from school to sell if you don’t need it or really don’t have the extra income? Isn’t buying one thing once in awhile and honestly telling them you need to watch where you spend your dollars – a more valuable lifetime lesson?

Who says get-togethers at your house have to be super fancy? Sometimes the presence of friends is enough and being comfortable around each other with nachos and dip.

Who says you have to look happy and pulled-together all of the time? Sometimes life stinks! It’s okay to acknowledge you’re going through a tough time but are doing the best you can.

I think we have this “image” of the perfect wife and mother ingrained in our heads. But reality doesn’t always measure up to that image.  And so when it doesn’t, we practically break our backs trying to make it measure up to the way we think things should be.

I think we need to look outside the box a little more often and not be afraid to do things differently. They might fit our family and us a whole lot better than some ideal we have stuffed up in our heads.

So for today, let’s stop and pause every time we feel we are entering into the “I should” or “I have to” do things zone. If you don’t have time to make dinner because you held up a friend in need on the phone for over an hour – let it go.  Your family won’t be deprived. You can all enjoy sandwiches together with laughter instead of falling in a heap exhausted over a fine meal.

We need to let go of our unreachable expectations and let life take us on the curves and detours that it chooses to. It will be good for us to have to “roll with it” sometimes and learn more about ourselves and where our priorities should lie. I bet we will discover that we really do stress about too many little things.

Enjoy this process of discovery and where it will lead you.